Play Time

Was doing a little research on marriage, when I came upon a phrase in Wikipedia. MARITAL AID. So I thought, Okay.. things to help a marriage gone downhill. Maybe self-help books, marriage counselling, etc. I never would have thought that I'd see SEX TOYS under the list for marital aid. Yea, it wouldn't be too hard to accept that some couples have intimacy issues.So, if you need something to spice up the romance, go ahead, get whatever you need to heat things up in the love nest. But you all know the basics.. Vibrators, Sensual Oils, Kinky Role Play Costumes, etc. Today's discussion, however, will be on SEX TOYS YOU ARE PROBABLY ADVISED NOT TO GET. Just for fun.

1) TOGGLE, DON'T FONDLE

Yes, this Japanese product was made for convenience. So now, you just plug your lover on, and TOGGLING IS THE NEW FONDLING. On the bright side, you can finally finish that book thats been on your bedside table for the longest time AND satisfy your other half at the same time. Technology really is poison to the essence of living. Oh well. Oh, and for a closer look at the remote control....

2) 'Protected' Sex

No joke! Apparently, now, dressing up as an Asylum Patient is the new in-thing in Bondage and S&M. And NOOO, I'm not a closet maniac. I got the info from a website. All part of research, people (hehe).

This suit has a zip between the legs for 'access'. And yes, it IS breathable. LOL. So, if you find it sexy looking like you're wrapped in a condom, by all means. The term 'protected sex' has a whole new meaning now. No matter how sick you are of your lover's face, there ARE other alternatives people. For fuck's sake man, COME ON!

3) 'MULTI-PURPOSE'

This is for the ladies. 10 teasing 'tongues' that operate like a windmill for your pleasure! Apparently a best-selling item so if you want to look it up, you can google Sqweel. Batteries included (I am dead serious). Looks okay, nothing too 'drastic'.. simple, easy to use..

But what happens when you come home one hot day and find your mother-in-law holding it to her face thinking its some kind of a battery-operated fan??

Oh, the horror. ROFL.

If I absolutely freaked you out on EVER getting or even thinking of getting a 'toy' for your playtime, well.. there's always the conventional way... (guys.. you all have your sources.. so this is for the ladies..and a number of men).......... Ready?

5

4

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2

1

Well, HELLO THERE...

Here's how it works..

1) Close your eyes

2) IMAGINE

:)

Have a great weekend peeps!

size is the new height

                                                    

                                                     

That's right. Size is the new height.

Here's to hoping for a pure typo error. Haha.

With my circle of friends getting hitched one after the other at lightning speed (don't get me started on facebook invites for weddings), and some others getting into serious relationships, being single at this age is unfortunately really obvious. Might as well paste a note on your forehead that says "Rejected Good". So, I started focusing on my single guy friends and divided them into three categories.

(1) Fucked, Endorsed and still Fucking

(2) The Unfortunate Virgins

(3) Fucked Once. Fucked Never Again

Honestly speaking, quite a number of those that fall under categories (2) and (3) are not butt ugly that women would spot them from outside the restaurant on a planned blind date, and make a run for it. Seriously, some of the men in (1) look like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre dude.

So apart from 'saving themselves for marriage' (whatever), and a number of other reasons (mentally challenged, fear of getting stoned to death, hermaphrodites, etc), I gathered that another main reason for falling under those categories would be...

Insecurities About The Dude Down Under

Guys, if someone's told you before that Size Doesn't Matter WHILE fornicating, please email The Fugly Truth Desk so I can reply with my condolences.

For the other times that you were told that it doesn't matter, I'm fairly certain that the person who told you

(1) was your ex (ever wondered why she left?)

(2) was a virgin cos she's got nothing to compare

(3) was not fucking you

SIZE DOES MATTER but if your little guy is literally little, its not the end of the world provided you can work well with your tongue (God's gift to women) and fingers.

I'm not going to go into the specs of an average size of the penis or crap like that. Please don't even bother pretending to be interested in the diameter, circumference or length of an average penis and trying to see exactly where you stand. In case you haven't noticed.. a measuring tape is not exactly foreplay material. If you're well hung, you're well hung. If you're not, you're not. I KNOW YOU KNOW roughly what's average.

When I say size matters, I did not mean Bigger is Better. Some people take pleasure in pain. That doesn't mean pain and pleasure is the same thing. d u h. So if you're an XXL and the receiver is screaming, she might be in PAIN.

Lets say you're well-hung and perfectly sized for the receiver's 'entrance'. You can pop open a bottle of Champagne or do the chicken dance (whatever rocks your boat), but, it also depends on the motion, skill, flexibility.

                                                                      

                               VS                        

However, from gathered opinions, Size still Matters. You can 'learn' the art of thrusting but you can't do much for a permanent, born-with-it, thing.

But you can try, and then tell me if it works so I can then suggest it to MY exes.

Apparently the Best-Selling Guide to Enlarging your Dude

lol.

PILOT!

A half eaten burger that's been sitting out for an hour now, three sticks of cigarettes and a migraine.. and I still haven't figured out a way to a perfect opening. Then I thought, WTH, I'm no John Grisham.

So, screw it.

Anyway, WELCOME TO TFT!

What is TFT? If you haven't noticed already (due to lack of oxygen in your brain cells or a sight deficiency), it stands for THE FUGLY TRUTH. If you don't know what FUGLY means, God bless your soul.

In the coming months, TFT will bring you discussions on topics from sex in public restrooms, to health (so you won't get a heart attack when you get caught fornicating over the sink). Basically TFT will take on all the things you can't discuss with your parents, friends, lovers, etc. Yeast infections, depression, whatever, whenever, however.

If you have burning questions or suggestions, you can send it to The Fugly Truth Desk and I'll try my best to act on it (provided I can be bothered with what you suggested in the first place). Lol. Rest assured you'd at least get a reply.

Before I go off to prep up for the first real post, please note that:

1) Whatever has been suggested in TFT has been carefully researched and if you choose to go along with it, do so at your own damn risk. We're all adults here for fuck's sake. If it works for me, it might not work for you. Common sense.

2) If you are offended by anything discussed here, move your cursor to the far top right of your window and click X. Easy?

3) If you choose to comment, please do so since you are entitled to your opinions. However, if you choose to TypE LikE tHis I wIll deLeTe yoUr ComMent iMmeDiatelY.

Back to my burger then. Stay tuned!